The student said, "My friend is struggling with his sexuality. His parents said they would disown him if he is gay, and so would his church. What can I do to help?" It was obvious to me that the students had pressing questions that needed to be answered. I was glad to be there to help…
My name is Tommy Craven. I am a full-time freshman at NYU and a part-time intern at PFLAG NYC. I wanted to do an internship at PFLAG NYC mainly because of the Safe Schools Program, which I wish we had had in my high school in Indiana. The Safe Schools Program aims to eliminate intolerance in city middle and high schools by engaging parents and other straight allies, as well as members of the LGBT community, to share their personal stories. These stories of coming out and of accepting LGBT family members help to make tangible to students the life experiences and struggles of LGBT people, their families, and friends.
I spoke for the first time last Wednesday, and my hope was to share my story and connect with at least one student on how they see the LGBT community. Sitting in the auditorium of Columbia Secondary School in Harlem, I was a little nervous about telling my story in front of teenagers I had never even met. The most overwhelming pressure was not knowing what to expect. What would the children think of me and my choices? How would they respond to my deeply personal story? Maybe they would laugh and mock me right in front of my eyes. I was not certain what would be coming through the auditorium doors.
Soon, about a hundred 9th-graders bounced into the auditorium, fought over seats, and nitpicked at each other while waiting for the program to begin. I am only 19 years old, so I could still relate to walking into a school seminar and chatting with my friends like we had finally been given a recess from the flow of classes and tests. Many of the students stared at Alice, Aundaray, and me, and I could feel the curiosity in their eyes about who we were. The kids all had their unique identities. Some were loud and others seemed disconnected, but all seemed anxious to listen.
Alice, the mother of a lesbian daughter, introduced PFLAG and briefly told the story of her daughter Ellen's coming out, how she felt as a parent and why she was afraid for Ellen, for her physical safety, her job prospects, and her chances of finding a life partner. To my relief, Aundaray spoke next. Of course, Aundaray set the bar very high as he discussed his upbringing as a gay man from a family of preachers, and the relationships with family and friends that shaped his coming out process. While I listened to Aundaray, I also paid attention to the crowd and was surprised to see how engaged the teenagers were. Coming from Indiana, snickering would have filled the auditorium. To my eye, these kids were poised and attentive.
As Aundaray wrapped up, I thought I might forget to mention all the points I had outlined for my presentation. All the eyes peering at me as I walked to the center of the floor felt overwhelming, but when I began to speak the eyes soon became warm and welcoming. I spoke about my background, including my age, and that connection made them more attentive than before. I spoke about my anger towards my family and friends before coming out because I felt they would not accept me. Aundaray and I actually both used a costume metaphor to describe the concept of being in the closet and how no one can see the true you until that costume is removed. I told them personal stories about my coming out while dating the popular girl in school, the confused response I got from family after coming out, and the road I went down to find acceptance for myself. I got the students talking with me with questions about the LGBT community, as well as silly questions like what they wore for Halloween. This made the audience and me feel way more comfortable talking about the subject of hiding behind a mask. They laughed at jokes and reacted with emotions relevant to the story. Reading their faces, I could tell they were not only following my story, but were deeply interested.
After Alice, Aundaray and I spoke, the Q&A session began. The audience was eager to dig deeper. The students asked honest questions that were on their mind. A lot of hatred can stem from ignorance so if these teenagers were willing to step up and learn, I was going to share with them as best I could. Many questions focused on religion. Other students were concerned about friends and wanted tips on how to approach them. One girl asked, "My friend is struggling with his sexuality. His parents said they would disown him if he is gay, and so would his church. What can I do to help?" It was obvious to me that the students had pressing questions that needed to be answered. I was glad to be there to help them. Even after the session, all three of us speakers fielded questions from students who didn't get a chance to speak during Q&A. I was amazed by the real desire to know more about LGBT issues in many of the students.
The experience of speaking for the Safe Schools Program was invigorating. I felt so proud to be able to tell my story to students. I left feeling good about how they laughed at our jokes and talked about what we shared. There is nothing like real life to get students' attention, and I know they had new ways to think about LGBT people after we were there. For anyone considering volunteering to speak with PFLAG NYC in a school, I promise you that there is nothing you could do more for the LGBT community than to help educate students and end intolerance where it begins.
— Tommy Craven
