As someone in my 60s, it is natural for a 12-year-old to seem very young. And young is just what this particular young lady seemed to me after the assistant principal asked her to escort me to the auditorium at ACCION Academy near Crotona Park in the Bronx.
PFLAG NYC Safe Schools Speakers with Ms. Brown and Ms. Arevalo of ACCION Academy
I was at this school bright and early on Friday, April 23, to observe a PFLAG NYC Safe Schools Program event. Three speakers from PFLAG NYC – Diane Coughlin, Claire Buffie, and Raymund Flandez – were talking with 80 sixth-, seventh-, and eighth-grade girls in the weekly Women's Leadership Class. Shana Baron, an English teacher, had invited PFLAG NYC to the school after hearing about the Safe Schools event at Paula Hedbavny School. Word seems to spread about the great work of PFLAG NYC's program, so I was excited to see it for myself.
The presentation really moved me. Having a gay man, a mother of a gay son, and the younger sister of a bisexual woman talk about their personal journeys increased my understanding of what it means for someone to grow up LGBT. It shed light on a subject that's sometimes hard to start a conversation about, and the resulting dialogue with the students was evidence that it worked.
PFLAG's Speakers Spur Amazing Discussion
I was surprised when the first student with her hand up in the air during the Q&A was the young woman who had escorted me to the auditorium. "Sometimes I think in my head that I'm gay. I don't know — I've got these different feelings. And sometimes I hear my mom talk about gay people… she says it's disgusting, so I'm scared to tell her how I feel about it," she said.
I was stunned at the honesty of the first question: "Sometimes I think in my head that I'm gay. I don't know — I've got these different feelings. And sometimes I hear my mom talk about gay people… she says it's disgusting, so I'm scared to tell her how I feel about it."
I was stunned. Her honesty and her comfort to share her feelings amazed me. She wanted to hear from Diane, a mom, some advice about her own mom. Diane told her how to find people around her who could listen supportively and help. Then from the back of the auditorium came a voice, "She has allies right here!"
Ms. Brown, the assistant principal, burst into the conversation and said, "She has allies right here! I'm her other mother. This is her other mother — all day, every day. Okay?" Applause. Right after, the guidance counselor in attendance said, "Right here too!" More applause. Applause filled the room as all of the young women in attendance showed support for their friends.
Things that Surprised Me
There were many more surprises in that hour. First, Ms. Brown called out "Ladies! May I have your attention?" when she addressed the students. To me, this showed great respect for each individual, an experience that was foreign to me in middle school.
Second, several other young women talked about their feelings of same-sex yearnings. One comment, "I think girls are pretty," and another, "I confided to my brother and sister that I was interested in girls, and now they won't talk to me," were particularly striking. This school had created a safe environment for these young people to say how they felt, but the young people still had major problems being who they were because of negative responses at home.
Third, a guidance counselor wanted to say something and walked up to the front of the auditorium. She tearfully related her own story about being raised by her grandparents who told her to hate her mother, because she was "bad." Her mother had been rejected by the family because she was "different." The counselor eventually found out that her mother was a lesbian. She teared up as she related how she's finally built a loving relationship with her mother that was denied her as a child. Letting these students know that adults also experience feelings of hurt, rejection, and isolation was a very courageous move. What a morning!
What Makes This Program Work?
Seeing my first Safe Schools presentation, I really understood how the personal stories work. Not only do the students listen attentively to the stories of PFLAG speakers, but they feel safe enough to speak about their own experiences. It creates an open, non-judgmental atmosphere, and students and teachers alike can open up with their own stories. The Safe Schools Program creates opportunities for conversations in school that wouldn't have happened otherwise. It's OK to ask sensitive questions. When that guidance counselor spoke, I saw how teachers and other school personnel can tell stories that humanize themselves and let students know it can be safe to talk about these things.
Not only do the students listen attentively to the stories of PFLAG speakers, but they feel safe enough to speak about their own experiences. The Safe Schools Program creates opportunities for conversations in school that wouldn't have happened otherwise.
The difficulties that young people experience at home was brought into focus for me as I witnessed the raw emotions that came out in students' questions about their sexuality or gender. Students who don't feel the support they need from parents, brothers, sisters, or other family members still need to talk with someone. If they're going to find the strength to grapple with their feelings while staying safe, they need to find support around them. The environment at ACCION Academy was supportive, but the Safe Schools event still helped students hear from one another and from faculty that there were people to talk to about being LGBT. You think you know what school is like for young people, but every story is different. After my morning with the Safe Schools Program, what I know now is how much PFLAG is helping the students who are LGBT find a way to feel safer at home and in school, and also helping their friends understand their support is needed.
— Salli Snyder
PFLAG NYC Volunteer
Read more about the PFLAG NYC Safe Schools Program here or to inquire about a Safe Schools event at your school, call PFLAG NYC at 646-403-3197 or email safeschools@pflagnyc.org.
